Can we learn empathy? An Integrative Framework with Fifteen Suggestions

I prepared the following for an interview with Lou Cooper recorded for her podcast, Talking Emotions.  The topic was “Can We Learn Empathy?”  I started writing a few notes but it gradually grew into something more ambitious: A framework for integrating what I’ve learned about empathy over the past 20-plus years.  I’m sharing it here to make it available more widely. -Robert Elliott

 

1.0 Short answer: Yes, within limits and under the right conditions.

 

But: It depends on what we mean by empathy. 

 

1.1 Definitions & metaphors for empathy: ordinary language: to feel into another person’s experience; to under-stand what they are going through; to be in tune with them; follow what they are saying; to grasp their meaning; even to discern their true meaning when this isn’t clear

            -Notice: the different metaphors we use to talk about empathy; more on that later.

 

1.2 Also: we can think of empathy both as an act or behaviour, and as a skill or ability.

 

2.0 Slightly longer answer:

2.1 For empathy as an act/something I do, it is something that I can learn do more often… But: there’s a lot of bad empathy around, which does no one good, and could even be unhelpful (frustrating, sometimes even harmful). That means it’s a good idea to learn how to do it well. Which brings us to:

2.2 For Empathy as an ability, a skill; it is something I can learn to do better. And: This is really what we want.

 

3.0 The long, complicated answer:

 

3.1 First: Let’s start with the idea that empathy is complicated: We’re not going to learn empathy (or get better at it) by thinking about it in simplistic ways, like:

3.1.1 Thinking that empathy is just mirroring responses (“reflections”), because by themselves these don’t work (meta-analysis)

3.1.2 Thinking that empathy is just identifying with a particular person, because that can overwhelm us (eg with trauma) or lead us to lose empathy for other people

3.1.3 Thinking that empathy is just adopting an attitude of being nice to the other person, because that can lead us to do it in a clumsy, superficial or unhelpful way

 

3.2 Second: it’s important to know that as far as we can tell, empathy appears to be made up of something like three different psychological (brain) processes:

3.2.1 An automatic emotional mirroring or resonance process: we’re probably born with this, but growing up we might learn to suppress this, because it can be painful (=empathic resonance)

3.2.2  A deliberate process of trying to imagine someone else’s experience, to put ourselves in their shoes (=imaginative entry)

3.2.3  A process of regulating our automatic empathic distress at the other person’s distress, so that we don’t feel the need to try to shut down their pain to make ourselves feel better (emotion self-regulation).  This will enable us to stay with the first two processes and explore ways to help the other person (e.g., just by listening)

 

3.2.4 To learn to get better at empathy, it’s good to work on each of these three psychological processes:

3.2.4.1 (1) Stop suppressing our natural empathic resonance: We can become aware of how we interrupt or block our natural empathy and try to not do it (more in a minute)

3.2.4.2 (2) Actively practice imaginative entry with other people: We can take a counselling skills class; or ask other people to let us practice with them (don’t practice with them without asking their permission!)

3.2.4.3 (3) Learn emotion self-regulation about others’ distress: We can practice accepting our distress at other people’s distress; or tell ourselves we are OK & can handle this; or, if we need to, we can find a trusted other (friend, therapist or supervisor) to share this distress with.

 

3.3 Third, it will help to keep in mind that empathy is complicated because overlaps with a bunch of related processes. Some of these related processes are empathy traps that can get in the way, while others are empathy supports that can make our empathy deeper and more powerful:

3.3.1 Empathy traps:

3.3.1.1 (Over-)Identification: seeing someone else as like us can cause problems, because no two people are ever exactly alike, and true empathy involves both understanding how they are like us and how they are not like us

3.3.1.2 Sympathy: feeling sorry for someone else (pity) can easily back-fire, because people often don’t like to be pitied, because it can put them in a one-down position or shame them

3.3.2 Empathy Supports:

3.3.2.1 Compassion: feeling with someone else, usually actively caring for them in their vulnerability or suffering

3.3.2.2 Appreciation: valuing someone for themselves, usually in a nonpossessive way

 

3.3.3 So: to learn to get better at empathy, it’s useful for us to learn to avoid the empathy traps and build the empathy supports:

3.3.3.1 (4) Recognise when we are over-identifying with the other person, when we’ve lost our perspective and are just agreeing with them, or assuming they agree with us.  This is not empathy, and can lead to us getting overwhelmed or completely misunderstanding the other person

3.3.3.2 (5) Recognise when we are falling into the sympathy trap of feeling sorry for or pitying the other person, which is likely to make them feel diminished or one down: Remember that when people are in distress they usually need us to understand more than to agree with them.

3.3.3.3 (6) Support your empathy with genuine compassion and appreciation for the other person: Let ourselves experience the other person as a fellow human being who is both hurting and also an active agent in their own life, valuable just for who they are and worthy of respect.

 

3.4. Fourth, we can get better at empathy if we learn about empathy conditions, that is, to do it in the right way and at the right times.  In other words, to be effective empathy requires a bunch of other things to be present. You or I can become more truly and helpfully empathic if we make sure the following empathy conditions are met:

3.4.1 (7)  I have to want to know the other person or persons; otherwise I won’t bother (motivation)

3.4.2 (8) I have to genuinely resonate with their experience; it’s not enough to go through the motions, to just say the words, to fake it (genuineness)

3.4.3. (9) I have to have a bit of distance from their experience (but not too much!), so that I don’t over-identify with them and lose myself in their experience or impose my own experiences on them (distance)

3.4.4. (10) The other person has to want to have their feelings known by me; otherwise, it will feel intrusive (receptivity)

3.4.5. (11) I have to listen not just to the words, but also the feelings that go along with the words, which may be unspoken (sensitivity)

3.4.6. (12) I have to pay attention to how they react to my empathy, so that I can back off if it’s unwanted or adjust my understandings if they are not accurate (responsiveness)

 

3.5 Finally: It will come easier if we work toward meeting the following additional empathy conditions:

3.5.1 (13) If I’m neurotypical, it will come more naturally (neurotypicality); on the other hand, if I’m neurodiverse, I may have to work harder at it and may need more support, especially if I have trouble accessing or managing the automatic empathic resonance process.

3.5.2 (14) If I invest the time and energy needed to know myself well enough to know when what I’m picking up is my experience rather than the other person’s experience (self-knowledge). This might involve self-study, training or even therapy/counselling

3.5.3 (15) If I practice empathy over time and learn from my mistakes or misunderstandings (skill development). Training and therapy can help with this.

EFT in the Hellenosphere: A Sequence

 

                        1

 

Arriving in Athens:

In the modern marketplace of psychotherapies,

EFT might have found itself homeless,

If the Existential therapists had not taken us in,

Welcoming our dialectics and epistemics,

Our synesthema and thymikos,

Crossing over between essence and existence.

Sing, Muse, of the marvels of emotion, feelings and affect!

 

                        2

 

Training journey:

On Alexander Street,

Hotel in middle of chaotic, busy central Athens.

Tourists ebb and flow by the day:

Portuguese and American, I hear their

Accents rise and fall In the breakfast room;

Row of suitcases, guides in the lobby,

Buses right outside on the busy road.

 

Agathi takes me away from all this,

Her little black Renault zig-zagging

Through a grid of small streets,

Pedestrians dodging us

Between blind corners,

Until we emerge onto bigger roads.

 

Friday traffic terrible, slow progress,

While endless streams of motorcycles

Zoom past us on the white line between lanes.

“It’s worse in the summer,”

She notes.

 

Kifisia, northern suburb,

Is slightly less chaotic,

But the white-walled little institute

Sits on a sunny side street,

Just down the hill form the local

Greek Orthodox Cathedral of St Dimitris,

Domed and glittering,

Banners out for its patron saints’ day.

 

We climb stairs, dodging windows

Opening onto the stairwell,

Up past little meeting rooms

We will use for skills practice,

To an upper room,

Waiting for disciples,

Chairs in a large circle.

Balcony with its view

Of Athens’ great bowl

Between mountains and sea.

 

Here is where the main training

Magic will happen

Over the next four days,

Roads through the human heart,

Emotional deepening and transformation.

 

And sure enough, by Sunday morning,

As we arrive, ancient Orthodox chant

Drifts across the neighborhood

Like incense.

Captures me as I arrive, counterpoint

To the deep heart work we do.

 

 

                        3

 

One-day break between trainings and travel:

We joined the crowds climbing the Panathenaic way.

Acro-polis: High city;

Sacred mountain: tourist destination for centuries.

Sadly reduced: the missing pieces fetishized

White marble statues long pilfered

By kleptomanic Romans, Turks, Brits and other

Colonizers, seeking the blessing

Of their misrepresentation of whiteness.

Supportive Caryatides long stolen,

Replaced by replicas like the curios

Sold in the tourist shops

Of the modern Agora.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                        4

 

Black cassock like a cassowary,

Big-bearded missionary priest,

Orders all the desserts on the menu

So we can break sugar together.

 

Chef seeks our blessing

For his offerings.

 

 

                        5

 

Searching for One Cyprus:

Across the Green Line:

On our side, crowds of people,

Celebrating the holiday,

Restaurants crowded even this early.

 

Then the border posts, people queueing

To show their passports or identity cards.

“Is this your first time?” asks the guard

As he scans mine into his computer.

“Yes” I say, smiling and nodding.

I guess I’m in their system now.

 

A disputed country:

Empty Buffer Zone instead of border,

A few yards of abandoned buildings,

Then another border post

And another passport check.

On the Turkish-occupied side, just a nod.

 

And we enter a mirror universe:

No crowds, just a few people

In the shops and stalls

Goods in Turkish and ₺ (the symbol for Turkish Lira),

Lining the narrow street

In the gathering dusk.

 

Christodoulos, our guide, grizzled, friendly

Archaeologist cum art historian

Helps us read what we’re seeing:

Old churches morphed into mosques or Quran schools;

Figures long effaced, faces erased,

But here above a closed door Jesus remains:

In Islam, he is a prophet after all. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We touch the weathered yellow sandstone building blocks.

Above, wooden balconies jut over our heads.

Twice, our guide points out white marble sarcophagi,

Empty as night comes on

In the narrow quiet streets.

 

Suddenly, the Islamic call to prayer

Eerily winds from old church spire-minarets

Melody melisma-ing up and down.

The same melody I heard days earlier in Athens

Celebrating Saint Dimitris’ Day,

Singing to God with the same song even. 

 

We pass by centuries-old inns preserved by

Economic deprivation:

No prosperity here to throw down

The old buildings, frozen in time.

 

We’re in an alternative universe,

Another possible country.

But in Turkish Cyprus even countryhood

Is questioned, left in limbo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dark now, almost alone,

In the quiet outdoor restaurant

In the courtyard of the Buyuk Han,

We eat humus and dolmades, and more.

 

Then we follow the way

to Rüstem Kitabevi,

Oldest publisher in Cyprus,

Now a coffee house where

Arabic or Greek (who can tell) hard rock

Jangles and bangs from the main room,

Drawing us to the energy.

“Private Party!” says the owner,

As she blocks our way, but offers instead

Another party:  Old books

Modern Islamic art, brightly lit.

A place out of time.

 

Common music and food echo

What the graffiti speak: One Cyprus.

Not the two countries

Proclaimed and striving against one another

By politicians and citizens

asleep to their essential unity,

Connections woven like lace souvenir coasters

Protecting against the evil eyes of envy and division.

 

Someday, maybe: One Cyprus.

Someday, maybe: One World.

 

 

                        6

 

Final night Training dinner celebration:

Preparing to leave Athina-Athens and Kiprou-Cyprus.

So many more souls opening,

Following the deepening roads to the heart,

All of us were touched and changed,

More deeply woven into one another.

 

Afterward, what could be more

Absurd than a salsa-latin fusion band

Playing their hearts out

(“Guantanamera” and “Desposita”)

For El dia de los Muertos

In skeleton costumes…

At a Mexican restaurant in Nicosia?

 

How about falafel and humus vegan tacos?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A perfect ending to our Athens-Cyprus

EFT training adventure,

Twenty-first century psychotherapy

Following ancient trade-routes

Like neural pathways in the brain,

Accompanied by electric violin. 

 

 

                        7

 

Journeying home:

Morning, coming over the pass toward Larnaca;

The sea not wine-dark

But glowing molten, golden chryso

Like fire pyro.

 

Landing in Athens,

White buildings, red earth, sparse grass

Like an ancient California, my home,

Glowing in the sun.

 

Returning, first Athens, then Frankfurt:

Modern Greece appears to be

The route for refugees.

I am subjected to multiple additional passport checks:

Police check me first coming off the plane

Then again at the gate for my flight to Glasgow.

 

Soon we will all be refugees,

But where will there be for us

To take refuge

If the world is ruined

By war and climate change?

 

 

                        8

 

Telos:

On this journey through

These ancient places

Blue skies rhyme with my time

Growing up in California,

The place I will soon return to.

 

As a teacher, I felt myself set free

In these places,

Muse-struck, not heedless but

Present in each moment.

 

Not far from the end of my life:

Who knows how much time

Between now and then?

 

But in the meantime

Each day is a gift:

I’m happy just to touch these lives,

And to be touched by them,

As if doing just this

Was the true meaning of my life.

 

                                    -Robert Elliott, 31 Oct – 7 Nov 2022, Athens-Nicosia-Glasgow