Can we learn empathy? An Integrative Framework with Fifteen Suggestions

I prepared the following for an interview with Lou Cooper recorded for her podcast, Talking Emotions.  The topic was “Can We Learn Empathy?”  I started writing a few notes but it gradually grew into something more ambitious: A framework for integrating what I’ve learned about empathy over the past 20-plus years.  I’m sharing it here to make it available more widely. -Robert Elliott

 

1.0 Short answer: Yes, within limits and under the right conditions.

 

But: It depends on what we mean by empathy. 

 

1.1 Definitions & metaphors for empathy: ordinary language: to feel into another person’s experience; to under-stand what they are going through; to be in tune with them; follow what they are saying; to grasp their meaning; even to discern their true meaning when this isn’t clear

            -Notice: the different metaphors we use to talk about empathy; more on that later.

 

1.2 Also: we can think of empathy both as an act or behaviour, and as a skill or ability.

 

2.0 Slightly longer answer:

2.1 For empathy as an act/something I do, it is something that I can learn do more often… But: there’s a lot of bad empathy around, which does no one good, and could even be unhelpful (frustrating, sometimes even harmful). That means it’s a good idea to learn how to do it well. Which brings us to:

2.2 For Empathy as an ability, a skill; it is something I can learn to do better. And: This is really what we want.

 

3.0 The long, complicated answer:

 

3.1 First: Let’s start with the idea that empathy is complicated: We’re not going to learn empathy (or get better at it) by thinking about it in simplistic ways, like:

3.1.1 Thinking that empathy is just mirroring responses (“reflections”), because by themselves these don’t work (meta-analysis)

3.1.2 Thinking that empathy is just identifying with a particular person, because that can overwhelm us (eg with trauma) or lead us to lose empathy for other people

3.1.3 Thinking that empathy is just adopting an attitude of being nice to the other person, because that can lead us to do it in a clumsy, superficial or unhelpful way

 

3.2 Second: it’s important to know that as far as we can tell, empathy appears to be made up of something like three different psychological (brain) processes:

3.2.1 An automatic emotional mirroring or resonance process: we’re probably born with this, but growing up we might learn to suppress this, because it can be painful (=empathic resonance)

3.2.2  A deliberate process of trying to imagine someone else’s experience, to put ourselves in their shoes (=imaginative entry)

3.2.3  A process of regulating our automatic empathic distress at the other person’s distress, so that we don’t feel the need to try to shut down their pain to make ourselves feel better (emotion self-regulation).  This will enable us to stay with the first two processes and explore ways to help the other person (e.g., just by listening)

 

3.2.4 To learn to get better at empathy, it’s good to work on each of these three psychological processes:

3.2.4.1 (1) Stop suppressing our natural empathic resonance: We can become aware of how we interrupt or block our natural empathy and try to not do it (more in a minute)

3.2.4.2 (2) Actively practice imaginative entry with other people: We can take a counselling skills class; or ask other people to let us practice with them (don’t practice with them without asking their permission!)

3.2.4.3 (3) Learn emotion self-regulation about others’ distress: We can practice accepting our distress at other people’s distress; or tell ourselves we are OK & can handle this; or, if we need to, we can find a trusted other (friend, therapist or supervisor) to share this distress with.

 

3.3 Third, it will help to keep in mind that empathy is complicated because overlaps with a bunch of related processes. Some of these related processes are empathy traps that can get in the way, while others are empathy supports that can make our empathy deeper and more powerful:

3.3.1 Empathy traps:

3.3.1.1 (Over-)Identification: seeing someone else as like us can cause problems, because no two people are ever exactly alike, and true empathy involves both understanding how they are like us and how they are not like us

3.3.1.2 Sympathy: feeling sorry for someone else (pity) can easily back-fire, because people often don’t like to be pitied, because it can put them in a one-down position or shame them

3.3.2 Empathy Supports:

3.3.2.1 Compassion: feeling with someone else, usually actively caring for them in their vulnerability or suffering

3.3.2.2 Appreciation: valuing someone for themselves, usually in a nonpossessive way

 

3.3.3 So: to learn to get better at empathy, it’s useful for us to learn to avoid the empathy traps and build the empathy supports:

3.3.3.1 (4) Recognise when we are over-identifying with the other person, when we’ve lost our perspective and are just agreeing with them, or assuming they agree with us.  This is not empathy, and can lead to us getting overwhelmed or completely misunderstanding the other person

3.3.3.2 (5) Recognise when we are falling into the sympathy trap of feeling sorry for or pitying the other person, which is likely to make them feel diminished or one down: Remember that when people are in distress they usually need us to understand more than to agree with them.

3.3.3.3 (6) Support your empathy with genuine compassion and appreciation for the other person: Let ourselves experience the other person as a fellow human being who is both hurting and also an active agent in their own life, valuable just for who they are and worthy of respect.

 

3.4. Fourth, we can get better at empathy if we learn about empathy conditions, that is, to do it in the right way and at the right times.  In other words, to be effective empathy requires a bunch of other things to be present. You or I can become more truly and helpfully empathic if we make sure the following empathy conditions are met:

3.4.1 (7)  I have to want to know the other person or persons; otherwise I won’t bother (motivation)

3.4.2 (8) I have to genuinely resonate with their experience; it’s not enough to go through the motions, to just say the words, to fake it (genuineness)

3.4.3. (9) I have to have a bit of distance from their experience (but not too much!), so that I don’t over-identify with them and lose myself in their experience or impose my own experiences on them (distance)

3.4.4. (10) The other person has to want to have their feelings known by me; otherwise, it will feel intrusive (receptivity)

3.4.5. (11) I have to listen not just to the words, but also the feelings that go along with the words, which may be unspoken (sensitivity)

3.4.6. (12) I have to pay attention to how they react to my empathy, so that I can back off if it’s unwanted or adjust my understandings if they are not accurate (responsiveness)

 

3.5 Finally: It will come easier if we work toward meeting the following additional empathy conditions:

3.5.1 (13) If I’m neurotypical, it will come more naturally (neurotypicality); on the other hand, if I’m neurodiverse, I may have to work harder at it and may need more support, especially if I have trouble accessing or managing the automatic empathic resonance process.

3.5.2 (14) If I invest the time and energy needed to know myself well enough to know when what I’m picking up is my experience rather than the other person’s experience (self-knowledge). This might involve self-study, training or even therapy/counselling

3.5.3 (15) If I practice empathy over time and learn from my mistakes or misunderstandings (skill development). Training and therapy can help with this.