[I wrote this poem to mark my 75th birthday a couple of days ago. If you prefer, here is a link to a video of me reading it: https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/zxk8cfmeyhh6oehky9kl8/20250531_220555000_iOS.MOV?rlkey=ffbj59vwahqro27akepito3n9&dl=0]
1 Memento Mori [Often translated as: "Remember you must die"]
I’ve already written so much about my life
And my manner of dealing with my eventual death --
Ignore? Delay? Bargain? Face? --
That as this milestone approached I thought
I’d nothing more to say… Wrong!
Death is eternal. It’s always with us.
Looking back, I see I’ve pulled a Jedi mind trick
On myself:
I’ve imagined my death, to get me to live:
To do good, to make a better world.
To touch and be touched by the lives of others,
To leave a legacy of inspiration and connection.
I’ve defined myself by this contest with death,
Racing through life to accomplish enough:
As if by running fast enough
I could outrun my end,
Make an end run,
Like going to warp-speed in Star Trek.
As if by being good enough:
Faithful, sinless, self-sacrificing,
I could out-saint my ceasing.
As if by believing hard enough:
in something else -- eternal life?,
God?, the Eschaton? Some Grand Simulation
Of all of us? – I could out-believe
My inevitable end.
But all of this now seems silly,
Vanity, and chasing after wind:
As if the point was to make
An impressive performance,
To convince me and you.
2 Vita plena ["Full Life"]
Now, as I reach three-quarters of a century
I find this life-long strategy has broken down:
Oddly, I no longer feel so afraid
Of my own and others’ deaths.
This puzzles me:
Where has my lifetime of anxiety gone?
Am I now finally inured to my fear of death?
Have I rubbed it down to numbness,
Even worn it out? Has my fear of nothingness
Finally come to nothing?
Am I even the same person that I was
When I first began my career of fear?
Perhaps it’s all that I’ve accomplished
In my own, one life: Articles, books,
Scouting the frontiers of psychotherapy research
The science-y fiction of imagining a new
Kind of therapy, new ways of helping,
Or better: old ways made new, returning
To the lasting ways of seeing, doing,
And being with each other.
Or perhaps it’s family: The amazing family
From which I’ve sprung; strong, stubborn,
Visionary, inspiring both me and others
To see farther, to craft better.
Treasuring my siblings, each exemplary
In their own way. Together, we’ve seen
Our parents through their dying, filling
These shared memories with meaning.
And the amazing family Diane and I
Have grown up with:
We growing ourselves as parents,
As our two sons grew themselves to adults,
And our grandchildren now grow themselves
Into young adults.
Truly it has been a life full of incident,
As if to say:
I wasn’t just sitting around, you know!
Maybe the specifics of what happened are not
As important now as they once seemed:
Who did what to whom, and why?
But I do know that it’s been a life full,
Rich and intense, like a fine glass
Of petite sirah wine.
3 Quid Nunc? ["What now?"]
All this now leaves me with more questions:
How will I keep myself motivated to work
So hard, if the stakes are not life or death?
As two new-old friends we saw yesterday
Asked us: What is next for you?
What is important for you now?
I think what they meant was:
How will you use your remaining time
Between now and your death?
And are those projects that have occupied you for so long:
The psychotherapy and research writing,
The organizational work
(Let Emotion-Focused Therapy thrive!),
The training and supervision, and yes, even
The bits of therapeutic work. Do you
Really want to continue doing these things
Indefinitely, until you fall over?
I wasn’t happy with my answer then,
Nor am I satisfied now: A book project?
To develop my poetry? Science fiction?
Spending more time with our grandkids.
Protesting against autocracy.
All worthy goals but maybe not the point.
I told them: This is the very question
I’m struggling with in this poem:
I’m working on it!
And then our time ran out.
What I do know is that these are important questions,
Questions worth asking, even if good enough
Answers have not yet arrived, or possible.
So I sat and savored this conversation, rich
And intense, like a glass of petite sirah,
And the inkling of some answers came into focus:
4 Responsio ["Answer"]
If I’m honest, I’m sure what’s
Taken the sting from death is this:
A deep sense that we’re all connected,
Each to each, more deeply than we can ever say.
You live in me, and I live in you:
Past, present, future,
Quantumly entangled.
Difference, privilege, marginality, imposing
Our will on unwilling others: All of these
Are vanity, and chasing after wind.
Instead, it’s kindness I seek.
The true JEDI mind trick
Is justice, equity, diversity and inclusion.
To look for greater connection to each other,
to make our shared joy more,
And the pain we cause less?
This is worth living for,
Even after three quarters of a century.
-Robert Elliott; Lodi, California; 31 May 2025
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